It was Monday morning after "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" that I woke up realizing that even though it was all DONE - I had little to no sense of relief.
Yes, the show looked beautiful. Yes, the event was awesome. I got a ton of great feedback about what a fun night it was, what a great party it was, how beautiful the show was, our pieces looked great together, our collaborative painting was successful - even the vibe of the entire party was praised. (There was a very small moment of weird drama, but I'm over that already. Not worth mentioning.) It was, hands down, the most ridiculous thing I've had to work that hard to organize in awhile (possibly ever?) and even though I woke up Monday morning feeling great about that - it was quite difficult to let those positive feelings linger for very long. I had a dress rehearsal I wasn't prepared for in a week, the season for my theater bartending job was coming to an end, I was still totally dirt poor (didn't sell any paintings off the wall, though I did have some folks interested in prints - unfortunately "interest" doesn't equal immediate payment, since I definitely still have to work for it) and a jagged, pointy wave of stress and worry had monsoon-ed out my happy art parade.
Shit.
And then of course, a few days later I get my letter of rejection from the Mural Arts Program - for a lousy summer internship, for Christ's sake. I attempted to apply to be one of their artists back in January, and despite filling out and thinking I submitted the form twice online, it managed to never go through. Since they review their artist applications only once a year (in mid-January, and of course didn't respond to my "Did that go through?" email until mid-February), I was for some reason convinced that the internship would be no problem. Of course I'll get it, I thought. Why wouldn't I?
Welcome to the real world, Xtina!
So I've felt like a complete idiot a couple times in the past few weeks. Between letters of employment rejection based on the one talent and skill I know I possess and then working my ass off for this show that was completely unprofitable - it's been a little difficult to look on the bright side. "Midnight..." was still an amazing night - and I will have a bunch of pictures soon to share with you - but damn, it was a little disappointing. I felt like I was putting in all this effort, and trying SO hard to make this happen - and I did it, and it happened, and it was like a slowly deflating balloon instead of a piñata full of candy. (Funny, I wasn't the only one to feel like this, either.) I have since sucked it up and moved on, and I will no doubt continue to paint and continue to promote myself as an artist, and try and make this art thing work. Besides performing, which I am relatively new at, so to speak - this is the only freaking thing I know I can do well. And maybe it's NOT a full time job, although with the right market and the right product it sure as fucking well can be - but yea. I got a bit of a slap in the face that Monday morning, and as of today (crossing fingers everything continues to go well) I now have another low paying service industry job. Good-ie.
But you know what? These moments of weakness are not going to destroy me. There are things in my brain that I see and experience in a visual, tactile way - an interpretation of a dream world, my dream world - that need to be expressed somehow. On a canvas, still images or moving picture, limbs poised oh-so-perfectly from a body, a carefully crafted (or duct-taped) costume for a performance. It's beyond me, it's something pulsing in my veins, something running through my neurological wiring. This is all I can do. This is what I do.
Aww. Hugs. <3(Photo by Will Connelly Photography, 2011)
I'll post more pictures from the fabulous Will Connelly as soon as I get them on a disk. Thank you Will, Joe Zang, Kristin, and all the musicians and performers that came out for Midnight and helped make it happen. Even though this blog entry was all about *me* and *my feelings* (tough shit- it's my blog, bitches) - the show itself was really about everyone that was involved. We all came together and put forth amazing efforts, and created a really fun night with a great vibe, great art, and great talent of all kinds. These are my friends, and I love them. So more pictures of that event soon.
In the meantime, please enjoy this shot of my friend Sarah's new tattoo, which I helped design. Another friend of mine was responsible for the actual tattoo and reworking the design slightly to better fit her body. Besides my own, this is (I believe) the first artwork of my own that is now a tattoo on someone's skin. Enjoy!
New ink on Sarah G. Designed by me! Who's next??
Keep at it, love. Art as a career is not at all an easy path. You have to pursue until you're blue in the face. :-/ *sigh* At least you still get joy out of making your artwork, and you see the positives in continuing to do it and never giving up on that passion. I also love that you're pursuing other forms of art (performing). Your life seems so full of art, and I love that. It's inspiring. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you, darling. I've always known that it wasn't going to be an easy path, and been okay with it too - it's definitely a lot to handle at times, especially when balancing happiness vs financial stability, especially now that I'm married and it's more than just me feeling the stress. Happy to know that it's inspiring to others, especially another creative soul. :)
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