Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Some days are just the pits

Having one of those days where you have less than a dollar in the bank, been hustling all your handmade wares ALL WEEK LONG only to sell nothing (except for a few things that require more effort than your depressed psyche can muster tonight), slow day at work where your measely cash tips went right to enough of the phone bill to keep it from being disconnected.... And then you get home to realize you're out of cat food.

Meanwhile all this and a bag of chips being the decade + on hormonal birth control (& now not) which is (I think) making my body/hormones be ALLLLL out of wack. I cried today, UGLY CRIED, for over an hour because my fur babies were hungry and I literally did not know how I was going to feed them. I can't explain to my fur babies that M&D had to buy litter instead bc Grandma (ok mom in law) is coming to visit in 3 days and our home is in a state of depressed neglect, because it is. And having the house at least not smell like cat piss is crucial.

And you know deep down that ALL your cries are fucking ugly cries. And you try to peddle your wares on Instagram and get lost in everyone elses happy lives and pimple/wrinkle free selfies and yoga poses... Wondering how the fucking hell you got here. How the fuck did those bitches even get in that pose anyway? Fuck. Ive never been a very flexible person, but cmon. I'm just getting older by the minute. I avoid the doctor not bc of this but because i havent had health insurance in over a year now. Bc i was supposed to get blood work done and i never did now its impossible. Prohibitively expensive. Fuck this country and its poor excuse for healthcare! Fok the system. Damn the man. Save the empire.

Some days im so f-ing depressed I cant do anything after work. No tv anymore so i read articles online. Numb myself with knowledge, and find myself learning interesting and smart things along with trivial and dumb.

I am constantly wondering if ive hit rock bottom yet or if the well is deeper and ive got further to fall into the black abyss. Of poverty and stagnation. Of expensive art and philosophy degrees that have us working in food service. Making $28 cash tips from 8am-4pm. Doing it again tomorrow.

All i fucking care about is feeding my poor fur babies. They keep me sane and warm at night and comforted. Why is this my life? What did I do to deserve this suffering? Some days i dont want to exist. Some im motivated again to gtfo of dodge like we're planning. Some days i just have to cry.  

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