Some days are just the pits

Having one of those days where you have less than a dollar in the bank, been hustling all your handmade wares ALL WEEK LONG only to sell nothing (except for a few things that require more effort than your depressed psyche can muster tonight), slow day at work where your measely cash tips went right to enough of the phone bill to keep it from being disconnected.... And then you get home to realize you're out of cat food.

Meanwhile all this and a bag of chips being the decade + on hormonal birth control (& now not) which is (I think) making my body/hormones be ALLLLL out of wack. I cried today, UGLY CRIED, for over an hour because my fur babies were hungry and I literally did not know how I was going to feed them. I can't explain to my fur babies that M&D had to buy litter instead bc Grandma (ok mom in law) is coming to visit in 3 days and our home is in a state of depressed neglect, because it is. And having the house at least not smell like cat piss is crucial.

And you know deep down that ALL your cries are fucking ugly cries. And you try to peddle your wares on Instagram and get lost in everyone elses happy lives and pimple/wrinkle free selfies and yoga poses... Wondering how the fucking hell you got here. How the fuck did those bitches even get in that pose anyway? Fuck. Ive never been a very flexible person, but cmon. I'm just getting older by the minute. I avoid the doctor not bc of this but because i havent had health insurance in over a year now. Bc i was supposed to get blood work done and i never did now its impossible. Prohibitively expensive. Fuck this country and its poor excuse for healthcare! Fok the system. Damn the man. Save the empire.

Some days im so f-ing depressed I cant do anything after work. No tv anymore so i read articles online. Numb myself with knowledge, and find myself learning interesting and smart things along with trivial and dumb.

I am constantly wondering if ive hit rock bottom yet or if the well is deeper and ive got further to fall into the black abyss. Of poverty and stagnation. Of expensive art and philosophy degrees that have us working in food service. Making $28 cash tips from 8am-4pm. Doing it again tomorrow.

All i fucking care about is feeding my poor fur babies. They keep me sane and warm at night and comforted. Why is this my life? What did I do to deserve this suffering? Some days i dont want to exist. Some im motivated again to gtfo of dodge like we're planning. Some days i just have to cry.  

DO SOMETHING

**posted this on facebook, text attached to the video below that I shared**

VIDEO: Veterans for Gun Reform

I really hope there isn't anyone on my friends list who is going to argue against gun reform and in favor of civilians being allowed to own assault rifles BUT, just in case...

Here are some American citizens who are very, extraordinarily familiar with those types of weapons. You could call most of experts, by comparison to the rest of us. And this is but a small sliver, but their opinion and input matters. Just as much as every person who marched today all over the country, and what they want matters too. This, and voting to put people in office that will fight with us and for us. It's going to take time, & you can't just sit back and wait. March. Vote. Run for office! It's happening slowly. We can do this. We can undo the things that need it. We can change things.

I have to believe this today although sometimes I feel like there's no point. Right now a lot of people are angry, and frustrated. So many people have died. Young people.

I was a sophmore in high school when Columbine happened. I had friends that fit the superficial profile of the killers from that early school shooting. I wrote articles in my school newspaper ranging and ranting agalnst the popular excuses at the time. Violent music! Video games, movies. No one blamed the NRA then. I mean, some people talked about it, (ahhemm a documentary or two... However nerdy they may have been)... But it wasn't a THING. It wasn't going to happen to us, in our school, not then. It was a freak occurrence. A tragic ticking time bomb of wrong place wrong time. Surely just a fluke. We are raising our kids JUST FINE.

And then it happened again. And again. And again. And it's been 20 years since Columbine, & we are still having the same god damn conversation and looking around at each other wondering HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?

Again.

Listen up, people in charge. Stop dicking around, stop making excuses. Even people who are *into* guns are speaking up and we are way overdue for change. I believe in the 2nd amendment. I know how to fire a gun. I don't think guns should be illegal. I think assault rifles and guns that were made for war, not hunting animals or shooting targets, should not be made accessible to civilians. We have to find a balance. This has already gotten SO out of hand.

****

I have a lot of feelings about this, despite having been out of high school for so many years and also not having any kids of my own to worry about (yet? Maybe? Or not. Idfk.)

I had a lot to say about this subject 20 years ago too.

Jesus. I'm old a.f. guys. Really. Just wheel me to a home already, bring me bland foods and give me an oatmeal bath. Find homes for my cat army. At least I'm not single too.