Saturday, January 13, 2018

Xtina, Pity Party of 1? F THAT! A list of 10-nay, 11 things ya probably missed

HELLO 2018. And good riddance to 2017, 16, 15 & whenever the hell else I visited this mess.

And WOWWWWW I have been a terrible, TERRIBLE BLOGGER.

(Please re: I hate that word.)

I'm sorry it's been like... 5 years since my last cheeky blog post. Funny though, cause it feels like literally nothing has changed.

While that is undoubtedly partially true, it's also not. Hmmm, what actually has changed? Let's see...

1) First and foremost, as well as most "life-changing" (& not in a good way...) my husband lost his job nearly exactly one year ago. Not his fault, the company he worked for, after a few strings of serious layoffs ended up closing their entire Philly electronics branch. Ho hum, welcome to 2017. And now 2018. Hooooray.

2) Thanks to #1, we are dirt f&$@ing poor. Still. Thanks Vane Bro's!

3) #1 happened just as FREAKING JUST AS we returned from our first Christmas holiday visiting my parents (in sunny Miami Florida!) in a LONG time, having thus decided (well I decided/was finally ok with) f&$@ this winter shit, he works on boats let's gtf out of Philly. (Note; he has been into this idea since his first visit down there to like, meet my
parents, over 10 years ago. I was holding on to the Nooooo but I live here now all my friends are here! Except now they aren't, not All of them, and also F*** THIS F***ING WINTER BULLSHIT!)

4) Needless to say, we are currently still in Philly. Ugh. (Naw PHL, I do love you, I just really really am ready to leave you now.)

5) I am still at the same god damn job.

6) I still live in the same shithole apartment.

7) Ooh! A GOOD THING. I have been making and selling my bejeweled wares via the non website and non Etsy platforms....mainly Facebook, Instagram & friends/word of mouth.
(Check that out @zefluxuria on IG & ! Also a store in Baltimore selling my stuff, Night Owl Gallery in Highlandtown!)

8) I have taken an extensive hiatus from my most beloved fire group, Lux Arati, mostly for financial & emotional reasons, that suck and I hate them. (The reasons, not Lux. Will always #lovemyluxies)

9) Thanks again to #1 & just life being crappy sometimes, we are car-less and also wifi ness, which is real fun. (Actually, our car is currently in mechanical purgatory, thanks to us not having the coin to get it fixed, registered in PA & all that jazz...)

10) Thanks to #9, I am currently composing this on my shitty, shitty shit piece of shit phone, which I also hate. (P.S.: It is REALLY HARD to edit this on said shitty phone. Sorry, one pic only bc I'm already way too frustrated.)

11) What else totally sucks right now? Hmm. I owe a lot of people money.... Including various financial institutions & friends/employers... it's cold a.f. outside.... Oh. And I'm OUT OF WEED & didn't know I was also out of cash when I spent all my tips today on booze. Sweet. (thx babe!)

Florida, I wanna be (back) in you.

Guys, shit is real dark for me right now. Quite possibly never been darker, only because any OTHER time in my life that's been REAL bad, you know... Like wow, at least I'm not 22 and my bf is using my parents stolen CC # to bail himself out of jail bad...any OTHER time that has been awful, I could blame it on someone besides myself. Oh, well clearly my 22 year old predicament was the Ex BF! Or oh, shit, my mom is distraught because my sis ODed for the 5th time this year, or whatever. Or, I don't have a car right now because a drunk driver hit it while it was parked on the side of the road....! Totes not my fault. And those are ALL real life examples of some of the shit that has befallen me in my short, lame ass 34 years.

This time... Well fuck. I guess I'm just as much to blame as my husband, whom I still love dearly no matter how many tears I've shed while moaning about how "this should not be my life" & "boohoo, why does everything suck?"

It just does sometimes, amirite? I can't be the only one who feels or has felt like they're failing at life. I have to believe that this will be the year that things get better. Despite the despicable leader of our country, despite the .24¢ in my bank account, despite the very unglamorous job I share with coworkers 10 years my junior. I HAVE TO HAVE HOPE THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE.

Otherwise, there's no hope for me, is there...?

Not to get dark, or add to the 11 mostly depressing life updates... But we did lose a few good ones since my last entry. Prince. Bowie. My epically dark and beautiful sad, sad photographer GENIUS friend of ye olde livejournal initial friendship, Krystal Layton aka Zvandrythx (RIP BISH I MISS YOU! Once I get back to Florida I PROMISE I WILL FRAME AND HANG YOUR PHOTOS IN MY NEW PAD I SWEAR.) And of course the only girl I could stand to be that close to my husband, the amazing Steph K. I miss you both more than you know.

F*ck it's been a rough few years.

Writing helps. It helps me process things, it helps me get IT out. I've always done this, though not usually so publicly. I'll probably share this on the book of faces. Will anyone read it? No clue. Krystal probably would have, because she was a writer like me. Hopefully not anyone that'll be too worried. Don't get worried guys! Just like, buy me a drink some night, or better yet, buy a print of my artwork or some ZefLux jewelry. I'll be ok, eventually. Once I get out of this bloody hole of despair and darkness, I vow... 2018, YOU WILL BE MY BITCH.

At least I still have my sense of humor. AMIRITE?????

I've already reminded a few very close friends.... Don't worry about me, please, unless it appears my sense if humor is suddenly gone. If I ain't cracking jokes, come pay me a visit, JUUUUUST in case. K? K.

Love n kisses, and may y'all never feel this kinda poor in your lifetime.

Trudging onward. Forward. No looking back. One day at a motherfucking time.

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