Green Tara Buddha, normalcy, + some booty

"Green Tara Buddha", acrylic on gessoboard, 12" x 12"
(private collection, Miami Florida)

I received a digital file recently of one of the "Lost Buddhas." It wasn't actually lost, I knew exactly where it was and could have asked my dear friend who it was for to take a picture any time. She even has the exact same camera as I, so I knew it would be pretty good. Whenever I thought about it I kept forgetting to get in touch with her - finally I just did a few in the same day via Facebook and should be receiving other pictures soon, too. (Also, I love being able to write "private collection" on my work like that. Like it's so coveted, private rich people own it - except instead of those people being private and rich, they're just poor and my friends and I loved them enough to paint them something.)

I googled myself recently, and my website came up FOURTH! And one of my paintings came up 6th in the image search. That said, I thought I should have something more .... attractive and compelling on the home page of my website. Right now it's this boring part of a flyer with a quote from my artist's statement. Too dark, too boring. I was thinking of one of these:

If anyone is reading this and has any particular thoughts
about which one I should use, please comment on this post!

One is obviously a graphic I made with pictures of me - I do have my performance stuff as part of my art website, and will soon have a gallery of pictures of me spinning fire and performing and such - but there is also some part of me that feels like I should have a more anonymous web presence. I don't know what I expect - for people to google my name and only my work comes up? That's not exactly what I want, either. I want to be "known", however I end up being known, for all the awesome and crazy things I do, not just one.

Unlike some people, it hasn't really crossed my mind that some part of my life is so "professional" that I have to censor the burlesque stuff and the dancing and fire. Really, any sort of "professional" life I may have ... I'm pretty sure no one cares, and if they do, I probably don't need to be involved in whatever it is they're doing.

When I quit my job at Penn, in a sense, I gave up the losing battle to look, feel, and be this conventional "normal" that I thought was synonymous with success and happiness. Of course neither of these are true, and those of you that know me I hear piping up with "But, Xtina - how could you have ever thought you'd ever be 'normal' and blend in? You've had dreadlocks down to your ass for 10 years, and you're covered with tattoos and piercings." And I don't have a very good answer. I know that the way I look and the way I am is me and I've always been pushing buttons and doing whatever I damn well please - and it's probably cost me some jobs and some looks and whatever. I'm older now, my hair isn't pink anymore (but oh boy, I found some seriously awesome actual photographs from that era the other day) and I've tried the office job thing and stuck out like a sore thumb - even though I wasn't the only one with piercings, tattoos, or funny hair. But I was white, and young, and didn't have kids - so that made me more different (to them) than my appearance ever could.

I was just thinking about how my naked ass was on the cover of the City Paper here in Philly and NO ONE in my office noticed. Guess they don't read it. Still, my butt was plastered about the city and no one that I didn't tell about it even looked twice. (I couldn't find the exact article on a whim, but here is a blog post about the article and with the picture.)

Also, mayyyybe this wasn't a scam - maaaayybbbe I would have sold some work and it would have been worth it - but how bout a nice big middle finger to Mac Worthington Gallery in Columbus, Ohio, for being disappointed that I could not fork over $600+ to have my work shown there. Sorry dudes, I can barely pay my rent. I need to renew my fire insurance. I need to pay my student loan. And that leaves no money for you.

That's ok - looks like Friday June 3rd will be my next show - collaborating this time with my dear friend and amazing Philly artist Kristin Scholz. It's so nice to be reassured that I can hang my work all around the city for free and gain exposure without forking over hundreds of dollars.